Beyond Mountains, More Mountains

What if this awakening
Is the falling from grace
The end of my bodhisattva era
Where I was living in a sacred dream
Dreaming my way through life
Emanating my sacred light.
Now that I’m awake,
What if I’ve forgotten
Not only the key part of that dream
How to emanate light,
But even that I WAS emanating light

Why do I think I wasn’t emanating light?
If I look back at my previous actions
And say, well, they were done unconsciously
What if that unconsciousness
Was the consciousness of God?

If I look back at my previous actions,
And say, well, I was doing them for my ego,
What do I know? That’s only what I’m thinking now.
There’s a theory that our memories are only new generations from our brains,
Newly generated ideas that we reject or accept.
So I don’t trust my memories about my motivations.
Can’t trust the brain to know the brain.

If I look back at my previous actions
And say, well, I was not ethical because it didn’t follow Ahimsa, it wasn’t non-violent
Do I really understand Ahimsa even now?
I know enough to know I don’t know.
I know enough to know that plants communicate with each other, maybe love each other
That plants experience might pain, and can be killed in ways that either emit or don’t emit their pain chemicals.
And now that I know that my actions to other humans,
Even the most shameful actions,
Might actually be the trigger they needed
The Zen Master surprises their students,
Beats them with a stick,
As a gift to return them to presence.

I can’t judge my past actions.
I can’t judge my un-awoken self as being ethical or not.

Maybe I was unawares and evil,
Or maybe I was unawares and pure light.
Does it matter?
I think so.
Because I’m trying to decide
If I should go back to sleep or not.